Captain Obama's Number One

Vague Next Generation reference right there. OK.

So, we all know Barack Soetoro is going to be picking his second-in-command either tomorrow or the next day, Friday. So, who should it be? Well, as a seasoned pundit, I'm offering some advice to the junior Senator on his entire short list of crappy candidates.

It should not be Tim Kaine, or else the experience argument against Obama is indeed magnified by Kaine's own lack of experience. Who says he'll help that much in VA, anyway?

It should not be Kathleen Sebilius (Sebelius?). She is a ghastly woman who is but completely unknown outside of Kansas. Hillary voters might gravitate to her, but it's unlikely considering they don't want to vote Obama anyway. She won't bring Kansas, either, much less any state, and you can bet your life savings on that.

It shouldn't be Chuck Hagel, because Hagel doesn't believe in anything else Obama does besides opposition to the war in Iraq. Plus, it would do the opposite of bringing Dems and Reps together, Reps are already wary of Hagel and Dems don't want anyone socially or fiscally conservative.

It shouldn't be Evan Bayh. Nobody can pronounce his name without hearing it, first. You'd be surprised how much that matters.

It shouldn't be Joe Biden. Biden has made so many remarks that could destroy Obama's case for the Presidency ("it's not for learning on the job", "needs to know the territory from day one"). Also, he's kind of like the Democratic Dick Cheney. Just read Clarence Thomas's autobiography, he exposes Biden as a smooth liar. Not new politics.

It shouldn't be Hilldog. That would gather apathetic conservatives together like nothing else, and Hill's part of the "politics of the past" that Obama's trying to avoid. It might bring in some Hillary voters, but it would bring legions of conservatives and possibly turn off some Obama voters as well.

It shouldn't be Al Gore. He's busy looking for ManBearPig. Half-man, half-bear, and half-pig, I'm super cereal.

It shouldn't be Ron Paul, simply because despite the fact that some independent voters want him on, Paul has called Obama a fraud, plain and simple. Champion the Constitution!

That's it. We're finished. I...ooh, I guess there's nobody left for Obambi! Oh, well. You get what you pay for. All of Obama's real strong suits, like Webb or Warner have turned away the job. Dang.


But if I had to take a guess, it's either Bayh or Biden. Probably Biden. But I could be completely wrong. Maybe the messiah candidate will pick someone who's not on his imperfect short list.